I wrote this about a month and a half ago when I found out I would be having a miscarriage. I hope others can find encouragement by reading my story:
Today I had to fully accept that the baby I expected to have would not be developing. I had an anembryonic pregnancy which basically means that my body created the space for the baby, but the baby wasn’t forming. Earlier in the week, I went for my ultrasound expecting to see an 8-10 week old embryo. The empty sac was removed this afternoon.
The news first came to us two days ago. My incredibly empathetic doctor chose to call me instead if making us wait until the next day to hear what the lab results said. I was so grateful to her. While waiting to hear the news, I had scoured the Internet to try to discern what the HCG (a pregnancy hormone) numbers that were sent to me could mean even though I suspected that I already knew. I ran across a few stories of misdiagnosed miscarriages, but most of them seemed to either be earlier in their pregnancies or to have a tilted uterus which did not apply to me.
I continued to search the Internet to see if it was possible that my diagnosis was wrong. My husband and I prayed that we would make the right decision and that the doctors would have wisdom. We went in for an appointment to discuss my options again with another doctor the next day. I could wait to see if the miscarriage would happen naturally, take medicine to induce the miscarriage, or have a procedure done (D and C). I went into the appointment thinking that I would want to wait in case there was any hope of the baby making it. I feared that I could be causing the baby’s death if there was even a minute possibility that the baby could make it. I expressed all of my concerns as the doctor patiently listened and gave honest but empathetic answers.
After a two-hour appointment full of questions and a second ultrasound, I opted for the D and C. It sounded like the least painful both physically and emotionally. I could have continued waiting, but I had two doctors tell me that they were 100% certain that the baby would not make it. What really gave me confidence in their diagnosis was their seeming willingness to acknowledge human error. They weren’t content with their own certainty; they wanted me to have zero doubts about my decision. They were willing to wait as long as I needed (as long as I was medically stable) and to do whatever ultrasounds were necessary to make me comfortable with my decision.
Waiting also would have been extremely emotional. Not to mention that my blood pressure was consistently higher than it has ever been, and I was slightly to very nauseous day and night. Was it worth it to continue to be sick and to lose a baby? Of course, miracles happen, but it seemed that God had made His decision. Many prayers had been said that we would do the right thing, and it still seemed right to move toward healing and normalcy rather than to hold on to what seemed like false hope. I alternated prayer with reading stories of other women, but nothing made me feel there was hope for my case. Maybe the true miracle is that God in His mercy allowed us to find out about the failed pregnancy sooner to end our pain more quickly.
We called the hoped for baby Little Bit during his or her brief life. I believe God still had a purpose for this child. I don’t believe God is to blame for tragedies. He allows them because we as humans thought we could be as knowledgeable as Him, and we, therefore, brought evil into the world. Instead, I believe God takes hold of that evil and ensures that good comes out of it.
The Good Lord will bring good out of this child’s life too. Maybe people, including my husband and me, will be drawn closer to Him. Maybe the child will make my husband’s and my marriage stronger. I already see my husband and me growing closer as we go through this together. I also am growing in my comfort level with doctors because I was lucky enough to find such a caring team who wants to give me as much control over my care as possible. I already know that this child has touched my life and changed me for the better. It is my hope that others will also be touched by him or her, and I believe they will be. While God doesn’t owe me any answers for why He allows these difficult situations to happen, it is my prayer that He will allow us to see the good purpose He has for Little Bit’s short but wonderful life. I say the child was just so awesome that he or she was able to accomplish their entire life purpose in just a few short weeks.